Music

Absolute Trash I Used to Listen to as a Teen

My last post was rather heavy, so I thought I’d write something more fun.. at the expense of my teenage self. My music taste has expanded immensely, I started off listening to Good Charlotte and Linkin Park as a kid, started get into the Post Hardcore scene as an early teen and now I listen to alot more Metalcore and alternative rock. However, there has been a few bands/songs that I’ve listened to over the years that makes me shake my head at myself. Luckily I have made most of my YouTube music playlists private so no-one can laugh at me, but I do sometimes go back and look at them for nostalgia reasons, my god have I found some gems.

BrokenCyde:

I had to start at one of the worst songs in the history of music.. BrokenCyde – Freaxxx. BrokenCyde were somewhat relevant in the mid 2000’s, mostly listened to by the Scene community. So you know how awful it is, one of their lyrics are “Let’s get drunk tonight, baby, we don’t have to fuck… And bring your friend along: maybe we can have some fun” … Yeah, it’s absolute trash it it’s best. I think I only liked this because the whole song was about getting drunk and having sex, I was trying to be edgy and listen to something my Mum would have definitely not approved of. You can all shake your head at me, trust me, I’m doing the same.

The Millionaires:

 

Basically female BrokenCyde, The Millionaires were popular around the same time and was big on MySpace with the likes of Jeffree Star. The Millionaires were formed by sisters Melissa and Allison Green and are actually still performing now (surprisingly). I literally only liked this song as it was featured on the third season of Skins during Katie and Emily’s episode, I was borderline obsessed with that show and everything to do with it.. including this song. Literally the whole song is about getting drunk, as you can tell by lyrics like “This bitch is trying to take a shot, she can’t down one, what else she got? Jaeger, vodka, even whiskey, down that shit, don’t be a… Pussy”. Again, I think I only really liked this song because I was only 14 or 15 and really shouldn’t have been listening to it in the first place..

Hawthorne Heights:

This band and song is by no means the worst on this list, I’ve only put it here because this song is just so damn depressing and as an easily influenced teen, I really shouldn’t have listened to this song. With lyrics like “So cut my wrists and black my eyes”, you can really assume what the vibe of this song is.

Metro Station:

Again, not the worst band on this list, but not the best either. Metro station was formed by Miley Cyrus’ brother Trace Cyrus and Miley’s Hannah Montanna co-stars brother Mason Musso (that was a mouthful). They were most famous for their 2008 hit ‘Shake It’ which hit number 1 in the UK, but I preferred the other songs on their album (yes I had the album too.. -facepalm-). I’m about 90% sure the song is just about drugs, alcohol and partying, but it had a good beat at the time and was quite a fun party song. In all fairness, I’d probably still listen to this if I was drunk enough haha.

The Medic Droid:

Another Scene band I liked who made it big on MySpace, this song was played 2 Million times on the site. They only released one full length album, but toured with the likes of Enter Shikari, InnerPartySystem and We Are The Ocean. In all honesty, I have no idea why I liked this song.. maybe it was because me and my friend from School used to sing the last verse all the time, we even learnt it off by heart so it became our song in a way. Still, it is complete trash if you read the lyrics.

I hope you enjoyed laughing at my poor music decisions, once I find my old ipod I might make another list of the non Scene/Rock bands I used to like that were awful. Comment if you have any trashy bands you used to love!

xox

 

 

Health · Life

Disordered Eating & Me

***TRIGGER WARNING*** Post involves talk on self-harm, eating disorders and other issues.

I had an epiphany yesterday while getting ready for Aerial class, I am so much healthier since I’ve been happier. I have moments like anybody does, where I feel gross and ‘fat’, but generally I am very happy and excited by life now which is a far cry from what I’ve been like in previous years. I want to quickly make a point that I never received treatment or professional help for my eating issues in the past, it is one of the biggest regrets in my life and I can’t stress enough how noone should continue struggling with their mental health, or physical health for that matter. Due to me not receiving professional health and getting a diagnoses I just call my past issues Disordered Eating as it’s pretty obvious something was seriously wrong.

I’m not sure when it all started, I honestly remember being like this all my life. I think it stemmed from being a very shy child, I was very unconfident and this caused a lot of issues at school and meeting strangers. I always remember hating to eat in front of strangers and was always some what of a fussy eater. It also didn’t help that I was brought up with people who were so very unhappy with themselves. But I don’t think my eating problems were seriously problematic until I was a teenager in Secondary School, for someone who was quite young for my age, it was a HUGE transition going from Middle School to Secondary School. I never properly thought about dating boys, wearing makeup and stuff like that but then in school suddenly it was such a big deal.. I felt pretty overwhelmed to be honest. I started to do what the other girls were doing as I didn’t want to be the odd one out and I just got caught up in everything, some stuff that happened in that first year of my new school really crumbled my confidence. I wish I could go back and not date stupid boys and not be friends with certain people, but hindsight is a bitch! Year 8 was the year I was introduced to self harming too, I remember two of my friends showing me their cuts and it just triggered something in me, cutting became a regular thing for the next five years after that.

It wasn’t until either Year 9 or 10 that things really hit the fan, I started going on a certain Social Media website that I won’t name, however I quickly discovered the Pro-Ana and Mia (pro Anorexia and Bulimia) communities on this website, it ignited a huge, unhealthy obsession which will always somewhat scar me. From looking at the pro-ana posts on that social media website I was directed to other websites, most of these involved sharing tips with other people with eating issues and keeping track of weight loss. Some of the stuff I saw on those sites were fucking disgusting and I can’t imagine how much worse it has got since.

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Through the next few years I developed a weird routine of restricting food for a couple of weeks then bingeing for the next few weeks and trying to make myself purge. I started to take a diary around with me everywhere I went and obsessively weighed myself everyday and wrote my weight in the diary, I also wrote down quotes from the people I was talking to on the pro-ana websites. I did this for a while until my mum got suspicious and hid the scales from me, thank you Mum, I have never thanked you for doing that. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I sort of realised that my eating problems got worse when I found general life to be stressful, I was really upset, or I was having issues with boyfriends at the time or friends. The restricted eating was seemed to be somewhat of a coping mechanism for me, it gave me something to focus on instead of whatever was going on in my life.. which is so so so unhealthy.

My college years were quite frankly.. fucking shit. I didn’t want to be doing A-Levels in the first place and it was made worse by the fact I was bullied by people I thought were friends. I started drinking a lot and getting involved with things that wasn’t what I naturally would do, just anything to escape what I was feeling I guess. Thinking back on it, that was probably where my eating problems were at it’s absolute worse. I should have got help in those two years and I really wish I did. I became a complete shell of myself, it wasn’t until I started University that things got a little bit better. I still wasn’t happy but I met some great people at Uni and I started dating my first serious boyfriend so life peaked for a while. I was still drinking a lot through Uni, which didn’t help my already fragile state, my relationship at the time had huge highs and lows and I found being in education still really unfulfilling. However I stopped cutting and was eating a bit better, I still had the bad thoughts in my head and had to really ween myself off of the pro-ana material online.

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In all honesty, I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% over all that happened in those years, but the last 2 years have been so so so much better! I can’t remember the last time I cut, purged or restricted my eating and I have completely abandoned the pro-ana/pro-mia websites. In the last two years I have got my driving licence, bought a car, got my passport, got a good job that I like, went back to Pole Dancing and Aerial and already celebrated two anniversaries with my boyfriend (soon to be a third!). I got lucky, so so lucky, I am so thankful that things didn’t get worse before they got better as I know not all people are as lucky as me. I mostly thank my boyfriend for being there through all my breakdowns and for being so patient with me, many people before him didn’t bother but he did. If you are reading this, thank you, thank you Dan for being my rock and my life saver ❤ I have surrounded myself with great friends and family through the past 4 years too, it’s surprising how things can get better when you surround yourself with positive, lovely people.

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I wrote this post, not for attention, but to outline how disordered eating isn’t just Anorexia and Bulimia, there is a whole spectrum. Not everyone gets treatment and there’s no stigma in that but also I really would advice anyone reading this to go to your doctor, it’s not fun to go through personal problems without guidance. I talk a lot on my Instagram about body positivity and how being good to my body and mind has worked wonders. For anyone struggling, see a professional, find a sport you love (it will give you so much confidence) and start to tell yourself you are worth it, you are worthy of life – a good life.

My inbox is open to anyone who needs someone to talk to, thank you for reading, it means a lot to me ❤

xox

B-eat (Beat Eating Disorders)

Helpline: 0808 801 0677

Youthline: 0808 801 0711

SEED

Helpline: 01482 718130

MGEDT (Men Get Eating Disorders Too)

mengetedstoo.co.uk

Overeaters Anonymous

Helpline: 07000 784 985

Recover Your Life

recoveryourlife.com

Life

Why I Don’t Want to Get Married & Why That’s Okay

I do not EVER want to get married. Ever.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good wedding. One of my close friends had the most beautiful wedding earlier this year and I honestly think it was one of the best events I’ve been to in a while. I love being able to dress up, eat as much buffet food as my tummy can handle and who am I to pass up getting drunk with family and friends? It’s just simply.. not for me. I’ve been in a great relationship now for over two and a half years, and now certain people are starting to wonder when we will get engaged. Me and Dan have talked about it and luckily are both in agreement that marriage is not something we are bothered about. This might seem odd to some of you, so I’ve got a small list to explain why.

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Money:

The average cost of a wedding in the UK is £27,000, doesn’t that horrify you as much as it does me? I could think of a million other things I’d rather spend money on, like a luxury once in a lifetime trip to Japan or even most of the deposit on a house.

I hate rings:

This is probably the most silly reason to not get married/engaged, but I really hate rings. I have never properly worn a ring, I end up wearing it for a few hours and constantly fiddle with it as it is so alien on my finger or I loose them.. probably from all the fiddling. But you can hardly get engaged without a ring, although I did think of putting the ring on a necklace and wearing it that way instead.

Children:

I’m not 100% sure I want children, I am about 60% sure right now, which is a huge improvement from my 100% fuck no attitude I had last year. Luckily in today’s society you aren’t expected to be married before having children, but I think that’s the only reason I have for getting married.

Stage fright:

I’ve always been a shy person, I think I have only been on a stage in front of an audience twice in my life and I was bloody terrified the whole time. So I couldn’t imagine having a day completely dedicated to you where everyone’s attention is on you, makes me feel stressed thinking about it! I have a habit of getting so nervous that I don’t enjoy things, I wouldn’t want to not enjoy the apparent ‘best day of my life’ from being terrified. Also I know I’d get nervous and end up shaking, meaning I will probably end up tripping over stuff and dropping everything haha.

I Like my last name:

This sounds strange.. but I actually really like my last name, I don’t think any other name will work well with my first name. I’m the last person in my family with my last name, so I would like to carry it on, therefore if I did have kids I would have to either hyphenate my last name with my boyfriend’s or beg him to take my last name (doubt that would happen!).

Stress:

I really don’t think I could organise a whole wedding, I get stressed having to organise my own birthday events! It’s too much to organise and I wouldn’t even know where to start, and I have no idea what dress to have, how my hair will look or even my make-up. Also we have the problem of both my boyfriend’s parents and mine aren’t together, it would be super stressful keeping them from not feeling awkward with the other parent. I’d pick up on the awkward vibes and no doubt it would sort of ruin my day, I wouldn’t want to force people who don’t like each other together just for the sake of a wedding.

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You never know though, I might change my mind in the future.. or win the lottery, so a wedding wouldn’t be too much hassle as I’d just hire a wedding planner haha! Thanks for reading, if any of you have the same views as me or want to chat about mine then send me a message! 🙂

xox

 

Aerial Circus

My New Fitness Journey

Gone are the days that people who performed with Aerial Silks and Hoop were either Gymnasts or ran away to join a moving circus. Just like Pole Fitness, Aerial Fitness has become popular in the last couple of decades, it fuses everything from Pilates based core moves to gymnast styled aerial tricks. I for one am definitely not a gym person, I find it awkward and frankly, quite boring.. I need a work out that will keep me motivated and is a little bit different from the usual gym workouts.

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I have been fascinated by anything macabre and different since I was a young child, I used to only watch Britain’s Got Talent for the gymnasts, contortionists and aerial circus acts, I luckily found a couple of aerial classes in my town that I could do along side Pole so I quickly booked me and my friend a place. A couple of years ago me and a friend did sign up for some Aerial classes and I really enjoyed it, but due to both of our work commitments we couldn’t continue.. But just like Pole classes, a couple of years passed and I went back and enjoyed it more than ever!

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I am very fortunate to have a handful of Aerial classes to attend in my area, one of which is run by my Pole Instructor that I will continue to attend on any Fridays I have off work. I next tried another Aerial class that was down the road from me but they taught their students a lot different to what I am used to (which isn’t a bad thing, just not my thing!). My pole instructor advised we try out a company she trained with who teach similar to how she teaches Pole, so last night me and my friend decided to give it a go.. and oh my god, am I glad we did! The people were so nice and put me at ease straight away (which is needed when you are shy and awkward like I am), also because it was Halloween they played a fun game with us where you sit on the hoop and try to balance while they throw sweets to you, any sweets you caught you could keep, how can anyone not love a place that does that?! Sweets aside, I generally think I will excel at this class, they push you to do things out of your comfort zone which I need as I have a habit of being like “Noooo I can’t do that.. I’m not doing it” and totally end up psyching myself out. Moral of this story: if you aren’t happy in a class or even in other aspects in your life (job, relationship etc.) then don’t be afraid to go out there and find something better.

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Obviously I am only a beginner at Aerial but will do updates on my progress as much as I can, this sport is too good not to share with others! If anyone in the Poole or Bournemouth area of South West England is looking for some aerial classes, then hit up Secret Circus.

As always, if anyone else has a cool hobby or even is involved in Pole and other Aerial arts then it would be awesome to chat, hit me up!

xox