Health · Life

Disordered Eating & Me

***TRIGGER WARNING*** Post involves talk on self-harm, eating disorders and other issues.

I had an epiphany yesterday while getting ready for Aerial class, I am so much healthier since I’ve been happier. I have moments like anybody does, where I feel gross and ‘fat’, but generally I am very happy and excited by life now which is a far cry from what I’ve been like in previous years. I want to quickly make a point that I never received treatment or professional help for my eating issues in the past, it is one of the biggest regrets in my life and I can’t stress enough how noone should continue struggling with their mental health, or physical health for that matter. Due to me not receiving professional health and getting a diagnoses I just call my past issues Disordered Eating as it’s pretty obvious something was seriously wrong.

I’m not sure when it all started, I honestly remember being like this all my life. I think it stemmed from being a very shy child, I was very unconfident and this caused a lot of issues at school and meeting strangers. I always remember hating to eat in front of strangers and was always some what of a fussy eater. It also didn’t help that I was brought up with people who were so very unhappy with themselves. But I don’t think my eating problems were seriously problematic until I was a teenager in Secondary School, for someone who was quite young for my age, it was a HUGE transition going from Middle School to Secondary School. I never properly thought about dating boys, wearing makeup and stuff like that but then in school suddenly it was such a big deal.. I felt pretty overwhelmed to be honest. I started to do what the other girls were doing as I didn’t want to be the odd one out and I just got caught up in everything, some stuff that happened in that first year of my new school really crumbled my confidence. I wish I could go back and not date stupid boys and not be friends with certain people, but hindsight is a bitch! Year 8 was the year I was introduced to self harming too, I remember two of my friends showing me their cuts and it just triggered something in me, cutting became a regular thing for the next five years after that.

It wasn’t until either Year 9 or 10 that things really hit the fan, I started going on a certain Social Media website that I won’t name, however I quickly discovered the Pro-Ana and Mia (pro Anorexia and Bulimia) communities on this website, it ignited a huge, unhealthy obsession which will always somewhat scar me. From looking at the pro-ana posts on that social media website I was directed to other websites, most of these involved sharing tips with other people with eating issues and keeping track of weight loss. Some of the stuff I saw on those sites were fucking disgusting and I can’t imagine how much worse it has got since.

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Through the next few years I developed a weird routine of restricting food for a couple of weeks then bingeing for the next few weeks and trying to make myself purge. I started to take a diary around with me everywhere I went and obsessively weighed myself everyday and wrote my weight in the diary, I also wrote down quotes from the people I was talking to on the pro-ana websites. I did this for a while until my mum got suspicious and hid the scales from me, thank you Mum, I have never thanked you for doing that. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I sort of realised that my eating problems got worse when I found general life to be stressful, I was really upset, or I was having issues with boyfriends at the time or friends. The restricted eating was seemed to be somewhat of a coping mechanism for me, it gave me something to focus on instead of whatever was going on in my life.. which is so so so unhealthy.

My college years were quite frankly.. fucking shit. I didn’t want to be doing A-Levels in the first place and it was made worse by the fact I was bullied by people I thought were friends. I started drinking a lot and getting involved with things that wasn’t what I naturally would do, just anything to escape what I was feeling I guess. Thinking back on it, that was probably where my eating problems were at it’s absolute worse. I should have got help in those two years and I really wish I did. I became a complete shell of myself, it wasn’t until I started University that things got a little bit better. I still wasn’t happy but I met some great people at Uni and I started dating my first serious boyfriend so life peaked for a while. I was still drinking a lot through Uni, which didn’t help my already fragile state, my relationship at the time had huge highs and lows and I found being in education still really unfulfilling. However I stopped cutting and was eating a bit better, I still had the bad thoughts in my head and had to really ween myself off of the pro-ana material online.

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In all honesty, I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% over all that happened in those years, but the last 2 years have been so so so much better! I can’t remember the last time I cut, purged or restricted my eating and I have completely abandoned the pro-ana/pro-mia websites. In the last two years I have got my driving licence, bought a car, got my passport, got a good job that I like, went back to Pole Dancing and Aerial and already celebrated two anniversaries with my boyfriend (soon to be a third!). I got lucky, so so lucky, I am so thankful that things didn’t get worse before they got better as I know not all people are as lucky as me. I mostly thank my boyfriend for being there through all my breakdowns and for being so patient with me, many people before him didn’t bother but he did. If you are reading this, thank you, thank you Dan for being my rock and my life saver ❤ I have surrounded myself with great friends and family through the past 4 years too, it’s surprising how things can get better when you surround yourself with positive, lovely people.

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I wrote this post, not for attention, but to outline how disordered eating isn’t just Anorexia and Bulimia, there is a whole spectrum. Not everyone gets treatment and there’s no stigma in that but also I really would advice anyone reading this to go to your doctor, it’s not fun to go through personal problems without guidance. I talk a lot on my Instagram about body positivity and how being good to my body and mind has worked wonders. For anyone struggling, see a professional, find a sport you love (it will give you so much confidence) and start to tell yourself you are worth it, you are worthy of life – a good life.

My inbox is open to anyone who needs someone to talk to, thank you for reading, it means a lot to me ❤

xox

B-eat (Beat Eating Disorders)

Helpline: 0808 801 0677

Youthline: 0808 801 0711

SEED

Helpline: 01482 718130

MGEDT (Men Get Eating Disorders Too)

mengetedstoo.co.uk

Overeaters Anonymous

Helpline: 07000 784 985

Recover Your Life

recoveryourlife.com

Life

Why I Don’t Want to Get Married & Why That’s Okay

I do not EVER want to get married. Ever.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good wedding. One of my close friends had the most beautiful wedding earlier this year and I honestly think it was one of the best events I’ve been to in a while. I love being able to dress up, eat as much buffet food as my tummy can handle and who am I to pass up getting drunk with family and friends? It’s just simply.. not for me. I’ve been in a great relationship now for over two and a half years, and now certain people are starting to wonder when we will get engaged. Me and Dan have talked about it and luckily are both in agreement that marriage is not something we are bothered about. This might seem odd to some of you, so I’ve got a small list to explain why.

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Money:

The average cost of a wedding in the UK is £27,000, doesn’t that horrify you as much as it does me? I could think of a million other things I’d rather spend money on, like a luxury once in a lifetime trip to Japan or even most of the deposit on a house.

I hate rings:

This is probably the most silly reason to not get married/engaged, but I really hate rings. I have never properly worn a ring, I end up wearing it for a few hours and constantly fiddle with it as it is so alien on my finger or I loose them.. probably from all the fiddling. But you can hardly get engaged without a ring, although I did think of putting the ring on a necklace and wearing it that way instead.

Children:

I’m not 100% sure I want children, I am about 60% sure right now, which is a huge improvement from my 100% fuck no attitude I had last year. Luckily in today’s society you aren’t expected to be married before having children, but I think that’s the only reason I have for getting married.

Stage fright:

I’ve always been a shy person, I think I have only been on a stage in front of an audience twice in my life and I was bloody terrified the whole time. So I couldn’t imagine having a day completely dedicated to you where everyone’s attention is on you, makes me feel stressed thinking about it! I have a habit of getting so nervous that I don’t enjoy things, I wouldn’t want to not enjoy the apparent ‘best day of my life’ from being terrified. Also I know I’d get nervous and end up shaking, meaning I will probably end up tripping over stuff and dropping everything haha.

I Like my last name:

This sounds strange.. but I actually really like my last name, I don’t think any other name will work well with my first name. I’m the last person in my family with my last name, so I would like to carry it on, therefore if I did have kids I would have to either hyphenate my last name with my boyfriend’s or beg him to take my last name (doubt that would happen!).

Stress:

I really don’t think I could organise a whole wedding, I get stressed having to organise my own birthday events! It’s too much to organise and I wouldn’t even know where to start, and I have no idea what dress to have, how my hair will look or even my make-up. Also we have the problem of both my boyfriend’s parents and mine aren’t together, it would be super stressful keeping them from not feeling awkward with the other parent. I’d pick up on the awkward vibes and no doubt it would sort of ruin my day, I wouldn’t want to force people who don’t like each other together just for the sake of a wedding.

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You never know though, I might change my mind in the future.. or win the lottery, so a wedding wouldn’t be too much hassle as I’d just hire a wedding planner haha! Thanks for reading, if any of you have the same views as me or want to chat about mine then send me a message! 🙂

xox